


Untitled Grief

by Mintoki



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: (It's Jason. It's always Jason), Character Death, Civilian Tim Drake, Gen, Grief/Mourning, I pick and choose what I want to use from canon, Introspection, Tim Drake-centric, Vent Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 08:39:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18937384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mintoki/pseuds/Mintoki
Summary: How do you mourn someone you never truly knew?





	Untitled Grief

**Author's Note:**

> First things first, I'll be real and say that this fic isn't canon compliant as I made Tim attend the same school as Jason. He goes to Gotham Academy and has skipped a grade up so he's a freshman at 13. Also, no mention of Batman are Robin can be found in this fic so honestly it's up to you to decide if he knows their secret identities. Robin isn't really what this fic is about/it's purpose so I didn't make any mention of it here. Feel free to interpret this how you like honestly.
> 
> Okay so... story time about this fic I guess. I've been writing this in bits and pieces for a few weeks/months mostly just to try and get some things out. I never actually wrote this with the thought of posting it in mind. It was mainly just supposed to be me attempting to verbalize my feelings. However, today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my classmate which is the basis of this piece. As I went about my day I decided that since I wrote this, I should share it. I don't want to go so far as to say that this is a memorial piece to him or anything, since I feel that would be rather selfish of me, especially since this focuses more on my own thoughts and feelings in the aftermath. I will simply say that I hope he is resting well and that his friends and family are doing okay today. They seem to be healing well from what I've seen, but I can only wish them the best.
> 
> Comments are totally fine and appreciated, but I don't really want to see anything negative/criticism on this fic please. I know this isn't my best work technically, but I think it was important that I get this out even if I didn't do a perfect job. Thank you for your understanding :)

“We have received news that sophomore Jason Todd has died in an accident.” 

The moment the principal’s words hit Tim’s ears, both his mind and body freeze in shock. This can’t be right, there’s just no way. Yes, Tim knew something was wrong the minute he sat down for the daily school-wide assembly. There were tons of clues like how his normally jovial English teacher had rushed to her seat, not stopping despite a classmate’s greeting or how several long minutes passed before the principal stood up front to speak, despite always preaching punctuality. Tim had seen the clues but… but just a mere five minutes ago the idea that they led to _this_ conclusion would have been absurd.

Five minutes ago Tim was thinking about the exam coming in his next period. 

Five minutes ago Tim was annoyed that the kid to his left decided to sit so close to him.

Five minutes ago Tim was shifting nervously, wishing he could simply escape the awful spring heat.

Five minutes ago Tim thought Jason Todd was alive.

Now though… Tim’s gaze focuses itself on his hands clasped in his lap. The image doesn’t stay clear for much longer before it inevitably starts to blur from the tears springing up in his eyes. He doesn’t bother trying to wipe them away; he knows it wouldn’t do much good.

He doesn’t move to look around the auditorium, but based on the countless sniffles and full blown sobs he hears Tim surmises that many of his classmates are crying too. The principal’s voice is nothing but background noise at this point. The original subject for the assembly has been thrown out the window it seems, as the man talks about strength and determination. Tim has no idea whether those words are supposed to be applied to Jason or if they are encouragement for the sobbing students before him.

Instead of tuning into the principal’s speech, Tim turns his attention to his classmates. There is not a single dry eye as far as he can tell. Even the most stoic of students, those who wouldn’t be caught cracking a smile no matter the cost, are quietly shaking and rubbing at their eyes.

Despite the size of the city, Gotham Academy is fairly small due to its status as an elite private school. It isn’t a stretch to say that everyone knows everyone, or at least knows _of_ everyone.

Even if you aren’t particularly close to someone, you’re bound to have at least one or two conversations with them. It was inevitable.

Tim’s mind immediately flashes to Jason’s friends. Oh god, if _he’s_ crying like this, how must they be reacting? What about his _family?_ They have to know, right? Who else would have told the school? Tim can’t imagine what it must be like, losing a family member. Tim barely knew his classmate and he feels like his world is caving in on itself.

Because things like this aren’t supposed to happen. A teen dying in some freak accident is supposed to be a plot point in a Hollywood tearjerker or the tragedy you hear about in the newspaper, affecting faceless people miles and miles away. As crazy as Gotham is, this is one of the few things Tim never could have imagined actually happening.

His thoughts are interrupted by the principal announcing the plan for the rest of the day. The students are to go to their next period class for the time being. From there, students will be allowed to contact whoever they need to in order to return home.

Tim walks to his history classroom as if in a trance. All around him he sees girls huddled together and guys crying into their friends’ chests. The one word he would use to describe the scene is surreal. Not only is the whole idea of Jason’s death absurd, but also the damage it’s leaving in its wake. He distinctly remembers some of the things these girls were saying about Jason months ago and while their comments weren’t particularly nasty, the group didn’t seem to be his greatest fan either.

These same feelings roll over as he finally finds his room and sits in his assigned seat. Once all the students are gathered, the teacher starts giving a short speech about how earnest of a student Jason was, about how he always kept him on his toes. The words almost make Tim snort. “Kept him on his toes,” that sure is one way to put it. This particular teacher and Jason never seemed to be able to see eye to eye and the whole school knew it. Still, Tim can hear the sincerity in his voice; he’s as devastated as anyone.

As the other kids call and text their parents, Tim sets off to work. His parents are in Papua New Guinea this month and he doubts they’d be able to answer their cell phones. Instead, he sends a text to himself from a separate phone that he has saved as his mother’s number. Apparently students won’t be allowed to leave the premises unless their parent picks them up or offers permission some other way.

Tim makes quick work of securing “Janet Drake’s” permission allowing him to bike back home. At the moment, he just wants to leave the school building. Maybe not being surrounded by hundreds of other crying teenagers will help his own tears stop and let his mind clear. As he leaves, Tim has to pass by Jason’s locker. A few students have already started a memorial there and the sight almost makes Tim begin bawling again.

The black locker is ajar. The inside has been left untouched, books and pencils still strew about. All along the door though students have left sticky notes filled with quotes and personal sentiments. Tim doesn’t read them all, but is tempted to leave a note of his own. He dismisses the thought as quickly as it comes though.

_I don’t have the right._

Tim didn’t know Jason, not truly at least. He knew Jason as the guy who was a bit of a smartass in class. He knew Jason as the guy who had a really cool shirt that made Tim wonder where he got it every time he wore it, even though he was too scared to ever actually ask him. He knew Jason as the guy who was the first to finish assigned English readings, no matter what the book was. 

He knew all these little things about Jason, but he didn’t truly know Jason Todd.

All these people, all of Jason’s friends, they had a reason to be sad. They had just lost a dear friend. Tim though? What right did Tim have for the amount of crying he was doing over this? He’s just some kid who knew Jason in the vaguest sense of the word. He shouldn’t let others think he was feeling the same pain the others are because there is no way that’s possible.

Tim quickly moves away from the impromptu memorial and starts his journey home. He’s immensely thankful for the distraction of various pedestrians and potholes. It allows his mind to be blank, at least for a little while. Unfortunately the ride is much too short for his liking and before he knows it he’s pedaling up his long driveway. 

The minute Tim enters his house, the weight of what’s happened hits him full force. A maid looks at him, eyes full of pity. She seems as though she wants to say something, anything, to make sure he’s alright, but before she can get a word in Tim brushes past. He immediately retreats to his room, flops onto his bed, and lets the tears begin anew. 

He’s pathetic, he knows, but he can’t help it. Every time his mind tries to wander, every time he starts thinking about how he’s hungry or how he’s starting to get a headache his brain snaps back to Jason. Thoughts about how Jason won’t ever get the luxury of eating again or get to fall asleep or take another shower ot do even the most mundane tasks ever again _because he’s dead._

Why Jason? Why was he the one who died? It’s not a question Tim asks because he believes the other teen to be better than the rest of his classmates. He doesn’t wish his fate on any of his peers. Rather, it’s one born out of fear. There had to be _something_ that caused his death. He refuses to believe that it’s an instance of random fate, despite no matter what the adults at school say. Random means Tim has no control over it. His friends, family, even Tim himself could die at a moment’s notice and with no warning. 

And he won’t lie, the idea of that scares him almost as much Jason’s death itself.

Tim decides to do research. Somewhere in the back of his mind he realizes this will probably only serve to make him more upset, but that does nothing to stop him. He’s always been one to obsess over things; once his brain makes a decision that something’s important, there’s no going back.

He loses time looking up news articles and footage. He absorbs the facts about how Jason’s death occurred a few days prior at approximately 7:40 AM eastern time-- _I was riding my bike to school when it probably happened_ Tim thinks--and happened during a trip to Ethiopia. He watches interviews of various members of Gotham Academy talking about how great of a person Jason was, how big of a tragedy the whole thing is. The articles are bare bones, as the news is still fairly fresh and so Tim cycles through various news sites. Almost all of the sources Tim looks at contain the same information, but he doesn’t allow himself to be satisfied, continuing to refresh each page hoping there will be more updates.

The rest of the night, Tim does much of the same. He watches TV in an attempt to distract himself, but even the season finale of his favorite show can’t stop his thinking. His mind swings between two extremes: overwhelming heartbreak and attempts at apathy.

On the one hand, a real, human person has died. That in and of itself is reason enough for sorrow. On top of that, this person was a classmate that he admired and respected. People around him are going into mourning for Jason, and so it’s only natural for Tim to be affected too.

But is it really though? That’s what the other portion of himself argues. Yeah, Tim knew Jason but not enough to warrant this much grief. It wasn’t like Tim ever noticed when Jason was absent normally from school, hell he hadn’t even known he was going on a trip to Ethiopia. If the principal hadn’t announced it, Tim probably wouldn’t have realized he was missing from school for another week or so. In theory, Jason’s death shouldn’t affect anything in the long-run of Tim’s life so he shouldn’t dwell on it too long.

It’s all so confusing and he doesn’t know what to do. He can’t even turn to anyone for advice due to how specific his specific circumstances are. They don’t write books about stuff like this, no matter how much Tim wishes they did.

How do you mourn someone you never truly knew?

Tim turns in his bed. He knows he’s not going to be getting an answer tonight and he highly doubts that it’ll appear in the near future either. In fact, he wouldn’t be surprised if he never finds out. For now though, Tim resolves to make his priority sleep. He can work toward his goal once his brain isn’t spinning itself in circles. Within seconds of closing his eyes, mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion all take over and Tim falls asleep.

Surprisingly, Jason does not make an appearance in any of Tim’s dreams that night. He can’t determine whether that’s a welcome respite or yet another cause for concern. It seems like yet another problem that will be up to future Tim to solve.


End file.
